So Your Ex Wants To Be Friends... Can You Use it To Get Them Back?
One of the worst aspects of breaking up is not only losing a lover, but losing someone you talk with, see, and communicate with every single day. If your ex suggests staying friends after the break up, you have a long hill to climb. The road to friendship is paved with land mines that can go off at any time, destroying any chance of a relationship with your ex.
Despite what people might tell you, being strictly platonic friends with an ex is never possible. Far too many forces are stacked against you.
For one, there's jealousy. Either you or your ex broke the relationship off... leaving the other person still desiring a closeness and connection that was abruptly ended before they wanted it to be.
There may be anger or resentment for that, but there will always be jealousy. As one or both of you begin dating again, the other person may look and act happy... but deep inside, they'll actually feel envious that their ex-lover is moving on without them.
Jealousy From Outside Your New Friendship
Another thing most people who become friends after breaking up don't immediately consider: how any new boyfriend or girlfriend is going to feel once they find out that you're friends with your ex.
If you're a guy, your new girlfriend is going to be none-too-happy to discover that you still call, talk to, email, text-message, laugh with, and even see someone you once had a very intimate connection with. She's not going to understand that friendship, and she may prohibit you from seeing your ex again. At the very least she'll try to sabotage any attempts at getting together with your ex, and this will put a strain on your friendship.
And if you're a girl? The same thing is even more true. No guy in his right mind is going to let his new girlfriend "hang out" with her ex boyfriend, at least not unless he's there. You'll start resenting your new boyfriend for his apparently needless jealousy, but in reality? Put yourself in his exact shoes and you may see things differently. Getting into a new relationship and finding out that your lover still sees someone they once slept with is a pretty big obstacle to overcome, even for the most secure and easy-going person.
Friends With Benefits - Should You Sleep With Your Ex?
To complicate the friendship further, more than half of all couples who remain friends after breaking up continue some sort of sexual relationship. Whether it's just some drunken fooling around here and there or a steady, ongoing "friends with benefits" type situation... sex always complicates any friendship you've established with an ex.
This type of arrangement will be good at first. The sex will be great... taboo, fantastic, nasty and forbidden. You'll be rekindling an old physical flame, and you'll be eager to jump into bed together.
And why not? The two of you are already comfortable with each other. You've been together dozens, maybe hundreds of times. It's safe, it's quick, and it's easy. And best of all (or so you'll believe), no one has to get hurt.
That said, think about what's going to happen when one or both of you start dating someone else. Does the sex just come to a grinding halt? Or does it continue in secrecy... starting off any new relationship either of you might have with lies, deceit, and cheating? It's a no-win situation, because either you'll stop sleeping with your ex - inadvertently hurting their feelings - or you'll continue the sexual relationship on a forbidden level. Either way, it's bad for the future of your friendship, new relationship, or both.
Getting Your Ex Back When The Two of You Are Friends
One of the more common reasons people stay friends after the relationship ends: one person wants to rekindle the romance. If you're the person looking to win back the heart of your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, you could be using friendship as a stepping stone to get back into a relationship again.
If this is the case, you're probably in for a pretty big letdown. The transition from friendship back to a relationship hardly ever happens, and for good reason. By agreeing to be friends with your ex girlfriend or boyfriend, you're essentially giving them everything they had while they were dating you. They've got companionship, the ability to talk to you whenever they want to, the closeness of hanging out... maybe even a continuing sexual relationship. Because of all this, your ex has absolutely no incentive to get back together with you.
So if you really want your boyfriend or girlfriend back? You need to forget about friendship and actually work toward winning them over. To do this, you have to follow the process for reversing your break up... and that process has nothing to do with friendship.
Don't fall into the 'friendship trap' if what you really want is your ex back. The "friends to lovers" thing is one big myth; only in the movies do things like that really work out.
Once your ex starts seeing you in a platonic way, that's how he or she will always see you from that moment forth. Sex is meaningless: just because your ex might sleep with you doesn't mean he or she is starting to see you romantically again. That type of attraction only comes through emotional need, and not through the sole physical act of hooking up.
What You Should Do If Your Ex Wants To Be Friends
For guys, check out this amazing audio resource. This guide takes you step-by-step through the process of refusing friendship, making her miss you, and then getting her to reverse the decision to break up with you in the first place.
And for girls, find out how to get your boyfriend back from friendship. Even if you've already established yourself in a friendship type of role, there are ways of breaking out of it and getting your boyfriend to need you again in non-platonic ways.
Never substitute friendship for romance - not if you still want to date your ex. It's always a bad move, and will lead to more complications than solutions.
All of the actions you need to take in order to get back with an ex? You can't take those actions from a position of friendship. As your ex's friend, you're not supposed to "like" them that way. You're not supposed to have those feelings anymore. Taking a single step in your ex boyfriend or girlfriend's direction will always result in failure, because those moves will destroy the friendship. Or at least, the pseudo-friendship you're trying to pretend to keep up for your ex's sake.
Other Ways To Get Your Ex Back Instead of Being Friends With Them
Your ex won't wait around forever. If you really want a future together, you can't sit around pretending to be his or her friend. The longer you stay friends with your ex, the deeper you sink into an irreversible role of being someone he or she doesn't see in a romantic light.
Assuming the role of your ex boyfriend or girlfriend's post-breakup "friend" also makes it harder for you to get back together. Because when you finally do decide to make your move? You're already entrenched in a web of sappy friendship, and you'll be doing everything at a disadvantage.
Want your boyfriend or girlfriend back? Set to work on getting them. Don't hang back thinking he or she will come to you, and make sure you're proactive about everything you do to win them over.
There are some really great methods you can use to win back an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, even when they just want to be friends with you.
Learn which reversal techniques you absolutely cannot use while being friends with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. And remember: the sooner you get started on making your ex want you back, the faster you can head down the road to reconciliation.